Viva funny Thailand
"My friend [has] interest in you!" said the girl in a thick Thai accent. I surveyed the group as they danced and smiled. There was one guy among them, and as I joined them I jokingly thought, It's probably the guy that likes me. As he proved to be a really good dancer, and as he kept talking to me, I became more convinced he was indeed gay. So when we all went out to eat later it was confirmed that he did have an interest, but so did one of the girls from the group, who happened to be a model and dancer (they were all part-time dancers actually). So I appologized to the guy and got the number of the girl. I may see them all tonight again. Update: I did indeed go out with the model again. I'm not one to kiss and tell, so I'll just say viva Thailand! once again. Also, not sure if I will have net access from this point out, so Merry Christmas everyone!
I'm not pretty anymore
I haven't been propositioned by a hooker in days. Not even a she-male. -- I went to Ayutthia today, and am now officially sick of seeing Buddhas and shtupas. Shtupa is a funny word. I've been a little lonely here in Thailand, being all alone as I was, but the tour group I joined today gave me the excuse to talk to people (read: pretty girls), which was kind of nice. Unfortunately, once the tour was over, we had to disperse to our different sections of Thailand. -- The bars and restaraunts here often show bootleged videos. I have seen harry potter 4 and the King Kong movie. But last night really took me for suprise when "The Home Teachers" started to play. Who bootlegs Mormon movies? And bad ones at that. It even had Thai subtitles.
What will I miss most this Christmas?
The Blackadder Christmas special. Sorry family. Speaking of Rowan Atkinson and Christmas, I showed Merry Christmas Mr. Bean to a few classes right before I left. I even had English questions for them to answer to make it more educational. Anyhoo, due to weird setbacks, I haven't made it to a tropical beach yet. I recieved an email from a friend, and I thought I'd share my responses with you for edification purposes. You can probably guess what the questions were. Things are pretty fun; I just switched to a cheaper room today, but it's pretty much as good. There is no TV though, and TV is what keeps the noises of the city at bay. Maybe I will sleep using my ipod, but I haven't gotten sleeping pills yet; it is harder than I thought.
I won't be able to really post pictures until I come back to Nippon, but my hair looks kind of like Iceman in the old movie "Topgun," especially since I also got a close shave.
Thai food is okay, but a little too watery, and it does not make for fun times in my digestive system. I actually ate in a "Japanese" restaurant last night.
Today, I want to see some animals. It may take some work to find a cab driver that knows the location of such things though; they are only interested in showing people the temples.
Things I've learned in Thailand
There are legitimate massages. The foot massage is the best. The full body massage leaves you sore. It may have something to do with the full nelson. Being sick doesn't help the soreness. The older and dirtier an old man looks, the better the chance that a young (working) girl will be on his arm. It helps if he has a limp. There are seven elevens in every country. Falafel stands serve good pitas. Take lots of spices on your pita just to be safe. Labels: lessons, Lists, trips
Thailand or scamland?
It's a nice place, but of course as the title suggests... It took a whole day of flying to get here, which surprised me. Yes, I have a re-entry permit for my return to Japan, but the travel agent told me I wouldn't need a visa for my stop in China. There is something about a guard in communist China being upset with you that feels a little ominous. Actually, all the Chinese airport guards were women in oversized generals uniforms (three stars). They were oddly flirtatious, even though I was causing them a big headache. Somehow I got on my way again only to get stuck next to the most annoying guy on Earth during the next flight. No exaggeration. I have no idea what nationality he was, as he refused to understand the most rudimentary English (everyone knows the word "American", right?) and caveman gestures (everyone knows the gesture for "Me Tarzan; you are ?"). He was so obnoxious, I half wondered if he was trying to piss me off as some sort of joke. I'm talking... Look, if life was a Disney Channel movie, he would be the bad actor hamming it up cause the director thinks it will be appealing to the three year old demographic. He sang Asian songs at the top of his lungs along with the headset (which was turned up so loud I could hear it); he kept tapping a plastic knife against the lunch table thing; he kept leaning over me and looking out the window. Hey buddy, you wanna kiss me while your here? You're close enough to. No, no, that's fine. Keep looking for a few minutes. I'm sure the blackness of night is fascinating. He kept it all up throughout the whole flight. Anyways, since stepping off the plane here in Thailand, I have gotten proposition after proposition. Yes, the majority of them are of a prostutional nature. Today a guy walked up to me and said hello. I can't not say hello. It's just not in my nature. I can't not reply to friendly questions. That's my nature too. So I ended up getting enrolled in a tour of the religious sites. My rationale: It's a Buddhist holiday (or so they told me) so the temples were free, and it was only gonna cost me 20 baht (48 cents). So I had about 5 sites lined up to see. I got to tall Buddha, and lucky Buddha (who looks like he has seen luckier days, I guess they don't believe in dusting), but my third stop suddenly became a suit store. "They give me a gas coupon if I take you here," said the driver. So I, following my nature, politely popped in. No, it was more than polite, it was frickin charity work there. I didn't have to put up with that. I came out a minute later, not wanting anything. My driver was suddenly sullen. "You only stay there for one minute; I don't get coupon for one minute." I ignored him. "Where next?" he asked. "The next place on the list." "I don't remember a list." So that's how it goes, huh? I asked to be taken back to Khao San road, where I'm staying. He sort of did. But we were close enough, so I gave him his 20 baht and got out before he could give me more offers of whores ("They give you free condom at this place, you want to go?"). -- The positive: It is really cheap here. I got one of the best haircuts of my life for about $3.50. The girls are friendly (you have to be wary of that of course, but it still makes one feel good). Most everyone speaks English (I myself am considering the old "I speaka no English" routine to avoid the propositions). And visiting the Buddhist temples was pretty cool. There are lots of stray dogs and cats running around them all. I enjoyed some monks chanting at one the temples. Pics of it all forthcoming, naturally. Tomorrow I'm gonna see if I can get a (legitimate) massage, and maybe the next day I will look into the beach thing. Holiday wishes to you all. BTW, what's the craziest foreign place you've ever visited? I'm curious. Got a good story for me? Labels: blog firsts, trips
Anxiety, thy name be Christmas... or anxiety works too
 Aw, the colors match the blog.I've been anxious about some things for a while now. Actually, I think most of it is a lack of sleep. I've not been as together as I would like. But the most irrational of all my irrational fears right now: Vacation. Let us backtrack. I was at a pub long ago with Maurice and Eric and the mad Irish scientist who's name I can't recall ever (though I do seem to recollect it being Collin), when the subject of winter break came up. That naturally led to talking of Thailand, which is a popular destination for JETs, more tsunamis pending. It's cheaper to travel outside Japan than within it, and beaches and 13 year old prostitutes have their allure (Just kidding; there are great beaches everywhere). But then the crazy Irish scientist had to open his mouth. "Y'know, I heard that--and really this is only if you're interested in doing "nice, ethical" thin's--that there is a program the JETs do where they volunteer at an orphanage. I mean, maybe it has a certain appeal; you could go take a lot of drugs on a beach and have a fantastic orgy, or you can 'elp some poor orphans who have nothin' to eat. I'm not saying you have to 'elp the little orphans, but... y'knowe, it's an option. Especially if you don't want to feel like a scumbag. Well, I gotta take a piss."* So long story short, he got me thinking. I realized I had to go to the bathroom too. But while I was in line, I contemplated all that other crap I kinda understood. In other words, I'm going to be spending this Christmas with orphans. In many ways I hope to become a more giving person; I've never been entirely satisfied with that aspect of myself. But the anxiety doesn't come from helping the orphans, it's from the downtime. I arrive about 8 days before I actually have to go to the orphanage. What am I gonna do with myself? Seriously, the drugs and prostitues are not an option. I'll leave the window open on the orgy.† Now Kate got back from a trip to Thailand yesterday, so I was eager to pick her brains over dinner, as I ate some pig guts. Wow, that was a disgusting sentence. The pig guts tasted alright though. Anyways, I gathered that she petted a tiger and held a snake and traveled a little. But specifics are a little beyond me because her New Zealand accent was also beyond me at all the wrong points in the conversation. Why is it that I can imitate Japanese almost perfectly, but cannot understand it, nor simple English when they are spoken to me by someone outside the US? Anyways, it's too embarassing to say, "Did you just say you dissembowled a taxi?" so I didn't ask for her to clairify. As a matter of fact, in my experience, clairification just makes things weirder. So yeah, if you are wondering where I am for the rest of the year and why I'm not blogging at my usual pace,‡ just remember that I am in Thailand, starving to death because I can't muster the courage to talk to anyone and risk the urge to say, "Why did you shave Hugo Chaves?"€ -- *:My typed impression of an Irish accent is worse than my sponken one, I assure you. In the words of Eric impersonating a New Zealander, "Let's put another shrimp on the barby...mate?" But don't quote me as having quoted anyone in this article. Okay? †:And since I'm a Mormon, that would make any orgy I participated in a Morgy. ‡:Which is so fast that people never get a chance to comment. Yeah... that's what I tell myself anyways. €:Other causes for anxiety include traveling alone, exchanging money, fighting off shopkeepers and hoars, fighting off shopkeeping hoars, fighting OngBak because I insulted his shopkeeping hoar mother, traveling, getting ripped off because I can't remember the exchange rate, forgetting the date because my watch is missing and that thing was my only tenuous grasp to what you humans call a schedual, getting my plane tickets at a Japanese airport, returning through a Thai airport, the stop-over in China where I'm sure to be accused of spying on the People's Republic, getting stopped in Thai customs with a stranger's cocaine ala Brokedownpalace, and footnotes that are not only to long, but so numerous that I ran out of proper characters to denote them with. I mean, what is a "€" anyway? That character causes me lots of anxiety.
Smoking philosophy
 I always wanted a picture of one of these things, but between the trains movement and a keitai's fickle nature, I never could get it ledgible. These signs crop up in our trains in Japan. I find them extremely humorous; a true example of how some things don't translate quite right. See them all at Contibento, Jeff somehow got really good pics of them all. For another funny pic, see the zombie blog. (site pimped: check). Labels: finds
Mountain thoughts
 "So where do those stairs go?" I asked Tomoko, pointing to some ancient steps that flanked a building near Takeo Onsen. She replied that she didn't know, so I suggested we see. It turned out to be hundreds of stairs. Then it turned into a trail populated intermittently by graves and kami statues. We found ourselves high up on a mountain that overlooked the entire city of Takeo and its surrounding mountains. The mountains are one of the things I love about Japan. The Japanese are a people of the mountains, and their culture somehow lends a aesthetic to life it that is hard to describe. Tomoko had never been to this place before, which goes to prove that Gaijin lead to fun. Anyways, we saw many beautiful things, but I don't recommend giving someone a piggy back ride on a mossy mountain trail. Fun, but dumb. -- This weekend brought the Christmas party. And JETs drinking tequila, and telling me their very odd and embarrassing secrets. But don't worry, I'll hold my silence. As long as you keep the money flowing. Okay, I'll settle for more fun times. I found out that I may be some of the following from others in various states of sobriety: A genius, deep, cooool, a great graphic designer/writer/comicer, scary, not scary, intense and a gentle giant. What's the craziest thing someone has told you while drunk? -- I just watched this film, and I'm trying to figure out the ending. Anyways, it was interesting to me in that it had a gainjin who came to live among the Japanese. Her presence had everyone on edge merely by virtue of the fact that she was white. I've been concerned with racism in Japan recently. Many people don't seem to think that pointing out a white person's big nose is really rude. People gawk at me wherever I go. No one sits next to me on the train. People assume I'm an English speaker. Is there a solution to these little annoyances, or am I just being overly sensitive? I really like Japan, but feel like I'll never fit in. Maybe I should savor that fact; I don't know. -- Now's the time on sprockets when we show random pics!  The X-men 3 trailer is out. This is the first joke that occured to me when I saw it.  Bread that I cooked in the rice cooker. For the recipe, go here. Next time, I plan on adding beer to my mix.  Yeah, they put the heater right behind my seat in the teacher's room. So I get to be a little warm, but I also lose brain cells to the kerosene.  The junior high teachers and students never cease to get amusement and amazement that I drink two milks at lunch, and they give me a ton of milk come the weekend. I'm not complaining.  Another thing that amazes Nihonjin is that I often cook my own dinner. For bonus points, I tell them that I make my own sushi. "Heeeeee!"  A mascot at the local post office.  Another view of Takeo. With Godzilla in the distance (he hibernates here during the winter).  Japanese fiddler on the roof. No, really.  I remember watching a 20 minute movie in elementary school called the bionic grandma. I didn't know it was a game too.
Confession
 I am not really a twentysomething man living in Japan. I am actually an 83 year old man living in New Jersey. I'm telling you now because I just cannot keep up the energy to sustain this charade any longer. I have gone to great lengths to hide my little secret, including extensive photoshopping to make myself appear younger. In addition, to create the illusion that I have several friends that know my 20-something alterego, I went as far as creating fake blogs that I link to. Ben, Rachel, Kit, Linus etc, are all not really people, but truly just fake blogs I created to perpetuate this sham. I'm so sorry. I really needed attention. -- Okay seriously, I'm not (but you'll always wonder from now on, won't you). I ate dinner with an 85 year old man tonight. As I supported him on the way back step by shaky step, as he puked a little on the way, I grew intensely afraid of growing old. -- Pray that I never go bald like the pic above. You should see what I can do with a picture that actually has a decent resolution. -- Humorous teaching moments lately: Me: What's this feeling? makes a sad face. Student: Divorce? moment two: If you wrte a "W" with curved bottoms, students will think its a bum. It resembles the bum diagram on many products here.
cats: the last refuge of a hack blogger
So, I'm still waiting to hear your secret super powers. In the meantime, here's some cats that made their way onto my hard drive. Some reminded me of Poe, others were just funny. Click to enlarge any of them. Also, see some very funny Dog Judo.     
Gaijin punch
Don't worry, if those guys have a problem, I will show them the awesome power of my gainjin punch! Little did I know when I made up that term that gaijin punch, it is just one of a plethora of powers foreigners are endowed with. See more of them here. What's your secret super power? Labels: finds
Yes, we have no legality
 GOTTCHA!So upon arriving at school, the vice-principal informed me that the English teacher was sick, then she asked, "You teach alone okay?" Me: "Uh, okay, but that is illegal, ne?" her:What? we grab the other English teacher to translate the term illegal and I ask againme: But it is illegal for me to teach alone, right? them: Yes. me: So we are going to break the law? them: Yes, but just once. me: blink Kay... So I taught alone. I like being alone actually except for the fact that the kids are more loud than usual and I lack the vocabulary to say, "So you see, swum is the past-participal of swim." So that picture has been circulating around the Japanese internet. I liked it so...
There was movies, and hot cocoa, and pulling a blanket tightly against ourselves to fight the coldness of the living room. And home magically felt like a home of long ago.
And I ran so far away...
 The idea that it's okay to be an introvert was something new to me. After all, society looks down on those who participate less due to the utilitarian nature of group cooperation. But this article opened my eyes. From now on I will be proud of my nature. Incidental story: I thought a teacher I work with did not like me, but she came around after we talked about how we are both taciturn people. She may have also come around because I guessed she was 26 years old when she is actually 36, but whatevs. The point is, when we timidly look across the room and don't talk to each other these days, we are at least smiling. So spread the word (if you're not too shy) that introversion and introspection is okay! How about you, btw, intro or extro? picture note: Taken from the densha otoku (train man) movie. Read all about the true-life nerd romance here.
Older posts are found below, quality goes up by year... kinda.
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