My life in pictures: The early years

I can't remember why I had two black eyes, or why I was in a bathtub with my sister, but I receive regular fanmail from NAMBLA/sadism/incest fetishists to this day.

My awkward teen years, when I had a bad hair style and a dog growing from my butt. I had the dog lanced.

My first summer job, as a pool boy. A great way to pick up chicks! Look at those rock-hard abs. I know you're jealous.

Proof that even I was cute at one point.

My brief experiment with the punk look... As you can see, I misunderstood the concept.

Ah, my first love. It was a very rough break up-- she trampled me and crushed three of my ribs.